im in the corner

Men are amazing. i finally found a man. hes a gorgeous 28 year old guy whose lived and loved and lost, alot. of course hes from a completely different culture, so i dont agree with some of his opinions. but hey, that life.
well, we've been hanging out and talking and just having fun. that is before yesterday. i got to his place at 11 in the morning. and the minute i walked in i felt it. this undeniable pull to him. i didnt want to let go of his arm. i wasnted to be connected to him. we've kissed before this, and id like to think of is as more than friends up to that point. so, we sat down on his bed, just as i had done 20 times before. and we started talking just like we had done millions of times before. his hand on my leg and looking eye to eye. and then we start making out. and i let myself go. i felt safe with him. i knew he'd take care of me. and he did. he looked me in the eyes the whole time. and then we laid there for a while. and he took me out to lunch at a mexican restaurant. and he order for me, in spanish. and then we went back to his place. and we put in a movie. that we only watched 5 minutes of. and i wanted him again. so just like earlier, he took care of me. but we tried new stuff. stuff i had never done before. and above all, the one thing he worried about was making sure i was comfortable. and when i wasnt he made it to where i was. and then after we had a long conversation about what we were both comfortable with. and for the first time... i was able to open up.
right now, im struggling to fight attatchment. and the more i fight it, the more it hurts. not only am i physically sore, im emotionally exhausted. the only thing that comes to mind... is the "L" word. i feel like i need to surround myself with my girls for protection. my high school girls. the ones that arents here anymore. i dont want to get hurt. i dont think i could handle it again. i want him to make everything stop hurting. i couldnt sleep without him last night. whenever i drifted off i had nightmares.
and now i feel an anxiety attack coming on. so i should stop. my hands are shaking. and i want to cry. and i need him to call me.

just takin it in

so, here i go again with the randomness. i cant believe im still here. but more unbelievable... a few people actually read this thing. and they think i can write. i suppose i have a way of puting things down here. to explain how i feel... which has always given me so much trouble i always give up. its so liberating... to stop running away and hiding from the way i feel. everything is surfacing. i know there are certain people im more real with than others because i know they will accept for who i am. but this is me. it doesnt get anymore real than this.

im immature and juvenile but only at the appropriate times. i let my physical needs and wants over rule my cappacity for good judgement. i hate stupidity. my life goal is to rid the world of it as quickly as possible. i love consistency but am known to make very irrational and spontaneous decisions. i like thunderstorms and barbecues. i live for midnight walks with boys to the creek behind my house. certain songs remind me of amazing high school memories. thats when i love where im at and dont regret it for a moment. One Tree Hill gives me inspiration and i see myself and my insanely tight group of friends in the characters.

Take me with you Luke

"George Bernard Shaw once wrote "There are two tragedies in life one is to loose your hearts desire and the other is to gain it. "I realize now that when your heart breaks you gotta fight like hell to make sure your still alive. Because you are and that pain you feel thats life. The confusion and fear thats there to remind you that somewhere out there something is better. That something is worth fighting for. As we strain to grasp the things we desire the things that we think will make our lives better, we ignore what truly matters the simple things. Like friendship,family and love. Yes loosing you hearts desire is tragic...but gaining your hearts desire is all you can hope for. This year I wished for love, to immerse my self in someone else and awake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted, and if having that is tragic than give me tragedy, because I wouldnt give it back for the world"

~~yes. i tend to find myself in the quotes of television shows. and i thought this one was extremely good. i immerse myself in them so deeply, by the end its hard to decipher then from real life. im crying, laughing, and contemplating how i can connect fiction to reality. trust me! its possible. because my life is so full of drama. its just another episode of Tree Hill.

whats my age again?

so, ive been thinking alot today about what happened wednesday. i showed a shred of self control. but it only lasted for two minutes. i felt relatively safe at the time and he is older and more experienced. i didnt even know that was possible. ok, i have to keep my since of humor... its the only thing that keeps, well, somewhat sane. if you can call it that. so im not entirely sure if i want to see him again. he did pressure me. i did say no at first. fine... i give! all he did was ask why. and i didnt feel like getting into a big long story about the LAST guy i was with. i mean common. anyone else wouldve done the same in my ...position. and there was red wine. it was intoxicating. and he was talking to me in his sexy hispanic accent. cause i love the way he calls me baby. im NOT falling for him!! at all. not even a little.

and then last night i talked to the other guy for 2 hours! hes the kind of guy a girl could love. and already does. but he doesnt love her. because of her one night/day stands. but he likes her because shes real and raw. and she couldnt think of anyother way to live her life. we talked about having kids and raising them. *~at least 4~*

lighting the cigarette

so, i have the highest suceptibility(sp?) to addiction than anyone i know. tattoos, cigarettes, gum, men. i dont understand it. why i like all these things that arent necessarily good. and why the worst things are so easily habit forming.

tattoos give that high, adrenalined feeling. you surrender yourself to the process of the pain and allow it to overcome your thinking. as you sit in the chair with someone putting their name, theoretically of course, on your body you give up all control. you allow yourself to wonder. and when you come back to the present halfway through the feeling that you're altering your body for the rest of your life hits you. you jumped into the deep end of something you cant return and undo. you give up a small portion of yourself and its replaced by a small portion of the artist.

when you light that cigarette and inhale for the first time, you can actually feel everything melting away. uhm, actually...just try yoga. or breathe in really deeply, hold it, and exhale. its exactly the same. its something you try just to try... and ta'da...ur hooked. NICOTINE BABY!

gum just replaces the cigarette. you gotta have SOMETHING in your mouth.

men are grab bags at Al's All You Can Eat. you never know what your going to get. and it all depends on what you're in the mood for. alot of times you end up settling for something you dont really want b/c the outside looks so tempting. but sometimes hotdogs are better than sirloin wrapped in bacon. especially if its cooked right.

ive been awake for days

little did i know 8 months ago how much of a toll life would take on me and my friends. i thought it would only get easier in the confines of the campus, home, and work. those people who always preached about the real world weren't idiots afterall. but they did little to prepare us for it. they gave us strict curfews and sheltered us from the things that we should know and experience. we were thrown, blind-folded, off a cliff into frigid water. some of us are experienced swimmers and others are lucky if they dont sink like bricks. i find however; most of us are just treading water praying... waiting... hoping someone will rescue us.
i hate the fact that my best friend cant talk to me about whats bothering her. i may not fully understand but i love her. she found her life raft in a counselor. its a relief she has something to hold onto when the water gets really rough. but i want to help her. i want to be there for her like shes been there for me. im tired of hearing everything is ok. when it couldnt be further from it.
we are all struggling. trying to stay out of the under-toe that could take us under.

What Else would you Have Me Be?

so, i feel like im alone in a crowded room. i dont know these people around me. anymore than they know me. we do things normal strangers wouldnt do. ok, i thought i could write now, but i cant.