Do you remember when we first met?

I was looking through some old photos this afternoon. i cant believe how long ago it was. when everything seemed like it would last forever. when growing up seemed too far away and nobody wanted to let me do anything alone. now that adult hood is beating me over the head with a giant stick i wish i was back in 9th grade. with friends who had fake bleach blonde hair and braces. god i still feel like a child. my biggest influences are my friends on the stereo. Jack Johnson really cuts through me. And god James Taylor. he speaks to me. ok this is really making no sense and im tired.

New Places and Missing old Faces

I remember back in middle school how much i disliked louisa. there was nothing to do. and your friends lived a half hour away or longer. and then came high school. i made friends that would last a life time. i "borrowed" my parents car when i wanted to see them. i had relationships that lasted 5 months and i couldnt forget them if i tried.
i had a back porch to sit on to listen to the thunder role closer and watch the lightening as it touched the ground. i had a breezy window to listen to the frogs croak after the storm had passed. i had fireflies to welcome every summer evening.
now all i have are bootleg cds to listen to to remind me of friends. now all i have are memories of getting kicked off school property. now all i have are pictures of that night i drank that entire bottle of red wine and passed out on ricardos bedroom floor. now all i have are subtle reminders of the first time i tried tequilla and cried on a complete strangers sholder.

yeah... we think shes something else

yeah, ive learned a couple of things within the past couple of months. i feel myself changing. im growing up. im doing my own things... so i guess ill leave a little wisdom below to fill time and space
1. Red Wine is the best truth serum
2. A good man will listen to you ramble when you've had too much of previously listed yummy-ness
3. Corona and Red Wine dont mix!!
4. The same guy will sit next to you on the bed while you cry about everything you've ever worried about...in your entire life... after you try mixing them~~
5. ~~and will stay up all night holding your hair as you lean over the toilet for the tenth time
6. dont tell your little brother something you dont want your parents to know
7. and when your parents leave a list of things for you to do when they leave for a week dont wait until the last day and get drunk the night before they come home
8. The most soothing sounds are a fan in the window and the crickets churping outside
9. mom and dad werent exactly morons
10. if you have to work the opening shift dont volunteer to close the night before

The Black Rose

Com'on in and sit down. kick off your shoes and put your feet up on the coffee table. its one of those times where i have so much going on in my head and cant put it into words. so relax and enjoy the gentle ride through the canals of my brain and the loops of my thoughts.

i have this image of a black rose seared into one the canals. extremely rare and symbolic. although im not really sure what of. i think it represents true love. created by human hands. two species put together to form the perfect specimen. it cant form by itself. it takes lots of time and care. and constant attention. ok...ill edit more to this later. i cant focus

Please dont be mad. i know its been a while. but im here now. and im not making any promises cause we all know im not very good at keeping them. but i will try to post at least once a week. there are a couple things to say.
i am still with the mexican guy, Ricardo. things are very, very good with him. hes teaching me so much about how to be an adult! and how to handle a relationship! im enjoying a relationship for the first time in my entire life. we are taking things slow and we are living in the moment. it feels amazing. and most of all, when i get scared he holds my hand and hugs me. im so glad i have him there because growing up is scarey as hell. i spend so much time at his house i practically live there. in fact i was there last night. it was praticularly good. heres a run-down. 0
i got to his house around six-ish after work. went straight up to his apartment, to his room and collapsed on his bed. we turned on the music which means "it feels like i havent seen you in forever and lets make out and talk and eventually have sex..." i really like this part of our little routine. i guess you could call it a routine. however, it continually changes. that ended a couple hours later... so we took my car to ukrops to get some food. we walked over to the take-hone-dinner section. you know where they have the salad bar and stuff. and he ate olives out of the bin and i think he even snuck off with some tomatoes. i finally decided on lasagna and ben&jerry's for dessery. we took it back to his place and ate... and put in a movie. and i started thinking. and i started getting scared. so i tried to get him to turn off the movie but i was being a bitch about it and complaining. instead of telling him what was up. so he started picking on me and what started out as a playful argument turned into me getting seriously pissed off and getting up and putting my shoes on and heading out the door. but like the great man he is, he came after me and had me in his arms before i could get to the front door. we went back to his room and i had a breakdown. i talked about going to college. and regretting high school stuff. and a whole lot of other stuff. and he held me and told me he was proud of me. and he said if i go to college we would get married when i was done. and he would wait for me until then. becuase he loves me and hes committed to the relationship. and i am as well.

lookin at myself straight

ok, so i havent written on here in a while. but dont worry, i havent forgotten. ive had soo much going on. work takes up alot of time. sometimes i work doubles. sometimes i dont work and i drive to see the boy. i feel the whole "this is too much to write and im too damn lazy to try" coming on. sorry blogger. you prolly wont hear from me in a while.

Heres Your Fucking Proof

Some men are just asswholes! its like they just dont get how to act like a decent human being. they arent capable of conducting themselves in an apropriate way.
Story: i went over my friends house friday night. a girl. she lives with her boyfriend. we had so much fun. everything was soo good. we were like a small little happy family. i was drinking and got extremely silly and they were sober. her boyfriend glanced at me occassionally but i guess thats ok, because if there is someone you're not used to seeing ur gonna look, right? well, i passed out on the floor and he took me to the living room and put me on the sofa. i slept and the next morning chanel asked me if i would like to spend another night and i did. so i stayed. that night the shit hit the fan. we were all talking acting normal just like the night before. until she got in the shower. i was sitting on the sofa when he came over and started telling me how beautiful i was. more beautiful than his girlfriend. then he put his hands on me and forced me to kiss him. thats right. one hand on sholder... the other on my neck. i was so scared. and humiliated. i told her what happened and i cried hysterically. now i have to have sex with him or he will leave her. i couldnt make this up!! god, i wish it were fiction.
For Every Guy Thats An Ass Two Are Amazing: my best guy friend in the whole entire world. James! i was able to open up to him and cry on him. he calmed me down and soothed me. he answers his phone on the first ring and drives out of his way to hold me. Ricardo! is the sexiest most sensitive and caring man i know. he knows what to say to make my heart melt into a puddle of goo. without these two men... i wouldnt be talking on here.