Do you remember when we first met?

I was looking through some old photos this afternoon. i cant believe how long ago it was. when everything seemed like it would last forever. when growing up seemed too far away and nobody wanted to let me do anything alone. now that adult hood is beating me over the head with a giant stick i wish i was back in 9th grade. with friends who had fake bleach blonde hair and braces. god i still feel like a child. my biggest influences are my friends on the stereo. Jack Johnson really cuts through me. And god James Taylor. he speaks to me. ok this is really making no sense and im tired.

New Places and Missing old Faces

I remember back in middle school how much i disliked louisa. there was nothing to do. and your friends lived a half hour away or longer. and then came high school. i made friends that would last a life time. i "borrowed" my parents car when i wanted to see them. i had relationships that lasted 5 months and i couldnt forget them if i tried.
i had a back porch to sit on to listen to the thunder role closer and watch the lightening as it touched the ground. i had a breezy window to listen to the frogs croak after the storm had passed. i had fireflies to welcome every summer evening.
now all i have are bootleg cds to listen to to remind me of friends. now all i have are memories of getting kicked off school property. now all i have are pictures of that night i drank that entire bottle of red wine and passed out on ricardos bedroom floor. now all i have are subtle reminders of the first time i tried tequilla and cried on a complete strangers sholder.

yeah... we think shes something else

yeah, ive learned a couple of things within the past couple of months. i feel myself changing. im growing up. im doing my own things... so i guess ill leave a little wisdom below to fill time and space
1. Red Wine is the best truth serum
2. A good man will listen to you ramble when you've had too much of previously listed yummy-ness
3. Corona and Red Wine dont mix!!
4. The same guy will sit next to you on the bed while you cry about everything you've ever worried about...in your entire life... after you try mixing them~~
5. ~~and will stay up all night holding your hair as you lean over the toilet for the tenth time
6. dont tell your little brother something you dont want your parents to know
7. and when your parents leave a list of things for you to do when they leave for a week dont wait until the last day and get drunk the night before they come home
8. The most soothing sounds are a fan in the window and the crickets churping outside
9. mom and dad werent exactly morons
10. if you have to work the opening shift dont volunteer to close the night before

The Black Rose

Com'on in and sit down. kick off your shoes and put your feet up on the coffee table. its one of those times where i have so much going on in my head and cant put it into words. so relax and enjoy the gentle ride through the canals of my brain and the loops of my thoughts.

i have this image of a black rose seared into one the canals. extremely rare and symbolic. although im not really sure what of. i think it represents true love. created by human hands. two species put together to form the perfect specimen. it cant form by itself. it takes lots of time and care. and constant attention. ok...ill edit more to this later. i cant focus

Please dont be mad. i know its been a while. but im here now. and im not making any promises cause we all know im not very good at keeping them. but i will try to post at least once a week. there are a couple things to say.
i am still with the mexican guy, Ricardo. things are very, very good with him. hes teaching me so much about how to be an adult! and how to handle a relationship! im enjoying a relationship for the first time in my entire life. we are taking things slow and we are living in the moment. it feels amazing. and most of all, when i get scared he holds my hand and hugs me. im so glad i have him there because growing up is scarey as hell. i spend so much time at his house i practically live there. in fact i was there last night. it was praticularly good. heres a run-down. 0
i got to his house around six-ish after work. went straight up to his apartment, to his room and collapsed on his bed. we turned on the music which means "it feels like i havent seen you in forever and lets make out and talk and eventually have sex..." i really like this part of our little routine. i guess you could call it a routine. however, it continually changes. that ended a couple hours later... so we took my car to ukrops to get some food. we walked over to the take-hone-dinner section. you know where they have the salad bar and stuff. and he ate olives out of the bin and i think he even snuck off with some tomatoes. i finally decided on lasagna and ben&jerry's for dessery. we took it back to his place and ate... and put in a movie. and i started thinking. and i started getting scared. so i tried to get him to turn off the movie but i was being a bitch about it and complaining. instead of telling him what was up. so he started picking on me and what started out as a playful argument turned into me getting seriously pissed off and getting up and putting my shoes on and heading out the door. but like the great man he is, he came after me and had me in his arms before i could get to the front door. we went back to his room and i had a breakdown. i talked about going to college. and regretting high school stuff. and a whole lot of other stuff. and he held me and told me he was proud of me. and he said if i go to college we would get married when i was done. and he would wait for me until then. becuase he loves me and hes committed to the relationship. and i am as well.

lookin at myself straight

ok, so i havent written on here in a while. but dont worry, i havent forgotten. ive had soo much going on. work takes up alot of time. sometimes i work doubles. sometimes i dont work and i drive to see the boy. i feel the whole "this is too much to write and im too damn lazy to try" coming on. sorry blogger. you prolly wont hear from me in a while.

Heres Your Fucking Proof

Some men are just asswholes! its like they just dont get how to act like a decent human being. they arent capable of conducting themselves in an apropriate way.
Story: i went over my friends house friday night. a girl. she lives with her boyfriend. we had so much fun. everything was soo good. we were like a small little happy family. i was drinking and got extremely silly and they were sober. her boyfriend glanced at me occassionally but i guess thats ok, because if there is someone you're not used to seeing ur gonna look, right? well, i passed out on the floor and he took me to the living room and put me on the sofa. i slept and the next morning chanel asked me if i would like to spend another night and i did. so i stayed. that night the shit hit the fan. we were all talking acting normal just like the night before. until she got in the shower. i was sitting on the sofa when he came over and started telling me how beautiful i was. more beautiful than his girlfriend. then he put his hands on me and forced me to kiss him. thats right. one hand on sholder... the other on my neck. i was so scared. and humiliated. i told her what happened and i cried hysterically. now i have to have sex with him or he will leave her. i couldnt make this up!! god, i wish it were fiction.
For Every Guy Thats An Ass Two Are Amazing: my best guy friend in the whole entire world. James! i was able to open up to him and cry on him. he calmed me down and soothed me. he answers his phone on the first ring and drives out of his way to hold me. Ricardo! is the sexiest most sensitive and caring man i know. he knows what to say to make my heart melt into a puddle of goo. without these two men... i wouldnt be talking on here.

im in the corner

Men are amazing. i finally found a man. hes a gorgeous 28 year old guy whose lived and loved and lost, alot. of course hes from a completely different culture, so i dont agree with some of his opinions. but hey, that life.
well, we've been hanging out and talking and just having fun. that is before yesterday. i got to his place at 11 in the morning. and the minute i walked in i felt it. this undeniable pull to him. i didnt want to let go of his arm. i wasnted to be connected to him. we've kissed before this, and id like to think of is as more than friends up to that point. so, we sat down on his bed, just as i had done 20 times before. and we started talking just like we had done millions of times before. his hand on my leg and looking eye to eye. and then we start making out. and i let myself go. i felt safe with him. i knew he'd take care of me. and he did. he looked me in the eyes the whole time. and then we laid there for a while. and he took me out to lunch at a mexican restaurant. and he order for me, in spanish. and then we went back to his place. and we put in a movie. that we only watched 5 minutes of. and i wanted him again. so just like earlier, he took care of me. but we tried new stuff. stuff i had never done before. and above all, the one thing he worried about was making sure i was comfortable. and when i wasnt he made it to where i was. and then after we had a long conversation about what we were both comfortable with. and for the first time... i was able to open up.
right now, im struggling to fight attatchment. and the more i fight it, the more it hurts. not only am i physically sore, im emotionally exhausted. the only thing that comes to mind... is the "L" word. i feel like i need to surround myself with my girls for protection. my high school girls. the ones that arents here anymore. i dont want to get hurt. i dont think i could handle it again. i want him to make everything stop hurting. i couldnt sleep without him last night. whenever i drifted off i had nightmares.
and now i feel an anxiety attack coming on. so i should stop. my hands are shaking. and i want to cry. and i need him to call me.

just takin it in

so, here i go again with the randomness. i cant believe im still here. but more unbelievable... a few people actually read this thing. and they think i can write. i suppose i have a way of puting things down here. to explain how i feel... which has always given me so much trouble i always give up. its so liberating... to stop running away and hiding from the way i feel. everything is surfacing. i know there are certain people im more real with than others because i know they will accept for who i am. but this is me. it doesnt get anymore real than this.

im immature and juvenile but only at the appropriate times. i let my physical needs and wants over rule my cappacity for good judgement. i hate stupidity. my life goal is to rid the world of it as quickly as possible. i love consistency but am known to make very irrational and spontaneous decisions. i like thunderstorms and barbecues. i live for midnight walks with boys to the creek behind my house. certain songs remind me of amazing high school memories. thats when i love where im at and dont regret it for a moment. One Tree Hill gives me inspiration and i see myself and my insanely tight group of friends in the characters.

Take me with you Luke

"George Bernard Shaw once wrote "There are two tragedies in life one is to loose your hearts desire and the other is to gain it. "I realize now that when your heart breaks you gotta fight like hell to make sure your still alive. Because you are and that pain you feel thats life. The confusion and fear thats there to remind you that somewhere out there something is better. That something is worth fighting for. As we strain to grasp the things we desire the things that we think will make our lives better, we ignore what truly matters the simple things. Like friendship,family and love. Yes loosing you hearts desire is tragic...but gaining your hearts desire is all you can hope for. This year I wished for love, to immerse my self in someone else and awake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted, and if having that is tragic than give me tragedy, because I wouldnt give it back for the world"

~~yes. i tend to find myself in the quotes of television shows. and i thought this one was extremely good. i immerse myself in them so deeply, by the end its hard to decipher then from real life. im crying, laughing, and contemplating how i can connect fiction to reality. trust me! its possible. because my life is so full of drama. its just another episode of Tree Hill.

whats my age again?

so, ive been thinking alot today about what happened wednesday. i showed a shred of self control. but it only lasted for two minutes. i felt relatively safe at the time and he is older and more experienced. i didnt even know that was possible. ok, i have to keep my since of humor... its the only thing that keeps, well, somewhat sane. if you can call it that. so im not entirely sure if i want to see him again. he did pressure me. i did say no at first. fine... i give! all he did was ask why. and i didnt feel like getting into a big long story about the LAST guy i was with. i mean common. anyone else wouldve done the same in my ...position. and there was red wine. it was intoxicating. and he was talking to me in his sexy hispanic accent. cause i love the way he calls me baby. im NOT falling for him!! at all. not even a little.

and then last night i talked to the other guy for 2 hours! hes the kind of guy a girl could love. and already does. but he doesnt love her. because of her one night/day stands. but he likes her because shes real and raw. and she couldnt think of anyother way to live her life. we talked about having kids and raising them. *~at least 4~*

lighting the cigarette

so, i have the highest suceptibility(sp?) to addiction than anyone i know. tattoos, cigarettes, gum, men. i dont understand it. why i like all these things that arent necessarily good. and why the worst things are so easily habit forming.

tattoos give that high, adrenalined feeling. you surrender yourself to the process of the pain and allow it to overcome your thinking. as you sit in the chair with someone putting their name, theoretically of course, on your body you give up all control. you allow yourself to wonder. and when you come back to the present halfway through the feeling that you're altering your body for the rest of your life hits you. you jumped into the deep end of something you cant return and undo. you give up a small portion of yourself and its replaced by a small portion of the artist.

when you light that cigarette and inhale for the first time, you can actually feel everything melting away. uhm, actually...just try yoga. or breathe in really deeply, hold it, and exhale. its exactly the same. its something you try just to try... and ta'da...ur hooked. NICOTINE BABY!

gum just replaces the cigarette. you gotta have SOMETHING in your mouth.

men are grab bags at Al's All You Can Eat. you never know what your going to get. and it all depends on what you're in the mood for. alot of times you end up settling for something you dont really want b/c the outside looks so tempting. but sometimes hotdogs are better than sirloin wrapped in bacon. especially if its cooked right.

ive been awake for days

little did i know 8 months ago how much of a toll life would take on me and my friends. i thought it would only get easier in the confines of the campus, home, and work. those people who always preached about the real world weren't idiots afterall. but they did little to prepare us for it. they gave us strict curfews and sheltered us from the things that we should know and experience. we were thrown, blind-folded, off a cliff into frigid water. some of us are experienced swimmers and others are lucky if they dont sink like bricks. i find however; most of us are just treading water praying... waiting... hoping someone will rescue us.
i hate the fact that my best friend cant talk to me about whats bothering her. i may not fully understand but i love her. she found her life raft in a counselor. its a relief she has something to hold onto when the water gets really rough. but i want to help her. i want to be there for her like shes been there for me. im tired of hearing everything is ok. when it couldnt be further from it.
we are all struggling. trying to stay out of the under-toe that could take us under.

What Else would you Have Me Be?

so, i feel like im alone in a crowded room. i dont know these people around me. anymore than they know me. we do things normal strangers wouldnt do. ok, i thought i could write now, but i cant.

Am i Fully Alive

So, this is the first "resolution" ive ever kept. i have another one. to expand my musical horizons. ive discovered all these amazing new artists this year. they might not be new, but they're amazing and new to me. Ben Folds, James Morrison, Flyleaf, Citizen Cope... just to name a few. also, i have a band everyone should atleast try and listen to on myspace. they are called Lucero. and they make me melt.

I also see myself coming out of my cage a little. im expressing my very own opinions that arent shaped by my parents or my friends. im finally standing on my two feet. im not being held up by anything. and the feeling is amazing.

i like the pain of getting tattooed. its the most real and raw form of expression. the people you share that afternoon/evening/night with are connected to you forever. the adrenaline and anticiaption build into the most unbelievable high. that one that you try your whole life to achieve a second time but you're never able to. when you get up from that chair and you look in the mirror and tears fill your eyes. and then you sink into the car and you go home and you take the best nap youve ever taken in your whole life.

its uphill both ways in the rain...barefoot

everyone is preparing to go back to school. packing and getting that last full night sleep before they begin again. this is when i wish i had something to prepare for. i have never felt so lonely in my life. its amazing when everyone comes home and we spend countless hours with eachother. i never knew i could love a group of people so much. the 4 people i cant imagine my life without. even 10 years from now. after two of them become one. and the rest of us combined as close siblings through that very union.
(not that they read this but here are some things i would say to them if i could)

Rose- you are beautiful. i love and respect you more than you could ever know. i cherish every day we've spent hanging out and night we've stayed up talking about boys. i cant wait to help you plan your wedding and reception. and lord knows your baccalurette party. the past 7 years have been awesome. and i know we will be friends for many years.

Meghan- your understanding and acceptance have always astounded. then i realized you and i are very alike. we have our moments where we dont think clearly and we can both help each other through those moments. im sorry i smother you with texts. sometimes i just validation that my screw ups arent so bad where i cant reverse them if i really have to. *puff gulp ugghh*. at least one of us is living that life we planned out.

Stephen- im really looking forward to you being that symbolic brother-in-law. you and rose complete each other. i feel better knowing shes happy and she has someone to make happy. remember through thick and thin. i anticiapte many new years partys and christmas eve gift exchanges. and ill bring the wings for the superbowl. also...im here if you two ever need a baby sitter. just call aunt jenny.

Jake- you and i arent that entirely close, but the group would not be complete without you. you liven it up and make everyone laugh. so you and stephen are brothers, me and rose are sisters... would that make us brother and sister? humm... worth pondering maybe?

It me... again

ok, so i watched One Tree Hill last night. the season premiere. it was amazing!! i related to it so much it was creepy. when you can watch something and say "theres me, theres meghan...". it makes you think.

i talked to boy last night. i was already emotional from Tree Hill. and he said we couldnt hangout or talk on the internet for a while. because hes re arranging his priorities. i cried for two hours. not because of what he said. but the fact that he could say it without even considering how it would make me feel. and more so is that it was so easy for him. it made me wonder how it easy it would be for one of the girls. could they say that? would they say that?

so, this morning i woke up with the "god, who pissed in my eyes" feeling? the only thing that struck me today was this evening on the way home. i was waiting for my dad outside of foodlion. i saw this older gentleman walk out with a long beard that was gray and whispy. he was maybe in his mid 50's. i began to wonder "i wonder what this guy knows." he had the experienced saunter. the one where hes lived and done more than one could even imagine. that how i want to look when im his age. i want to go to a weekend music fest. i want to jump off a bridge. just live

Catharsis

ok, so i figured it was best to get it all out at once. and then ill have nothing left to talk about. and then ill just blog when something gigantic is bugging me. i died my hair again. its blue black blonde. how i lived with myself before is beyond me. normalcy is sooo over rated!

remember the whole picking up and leaving off thing i was talking about earlier. well, its almost time for that again. i guess ill go back to the people ive met at work and pretend that we're friends. they're a nice distraction from what im missing. i never thought in my wildest dreams i would be so lonely.

i realized the other night there is difference between a memory and a flashback. kind of like the difference between a dream and a nightmare. you have dreams about all those amazing memories you've made in your life. you have flashbacks that leave you shaken and sweating like a nightmare. ive had quite a few of the latter in few previous months. the same circumstance and face that i cant seem to shake. the worst part of it... it happens when you're with someone new. a guy who doesnt know what happened and you havent gotten the guts to tell him. sometimes i find myself listening to "long december" over and over while tears run down my cheeks. its not fair that i have to live with this. its not fair that i cant move on and forget about it.

"i dont want the world to see me... cause i dont think that they'd understand.
when everythings made to be broken i just want you to know why"

mixed languages

i got the the most adorable litte puppy a couple weeks ago as a christmas present. his name is kodi and hes a husky. the most beautiful black and white fur and piercing blue eyes. the best personality but the attention span of a gold fish. hes my boy. right now im teaching him simple commands. but im beginning to realize its not "sit" and "stay" that he understands but the body language and tone of voice. i figured while im at it id teach him english. nothing complex, just the simple stuff.

it would be so much easier if everyone spoke the same language. and i dont necessarily mean english. if when people acted a certain way there was a standard for what it meant. it wouldnt be up for interpretation and long nights of over analyzing. which would in turn insure confidence in other people, the situtation and most importantly yourself. no more second guessing. and that intuition thing some of us are just born without would no longer be necessary because there would be a dictionary to consult if u werent entirely sure. and there it would be. black and white. no margins or reading between the lines. i never was all that good in english anyways.

The First of The Year

Ok. so this is my New Years Resolution. A little late, but its better than never. Im going to try to put how im feeling into words... but i cant make any guarantees. which is one of my major problems... but thats a different paragraph at least.

ok, tha first thing that comes to mind is riding in the car with my dad the other night. he asked me if i ever regret not going to college like all my friends. "uhm, sometimes. not very often though." Im a liar. not a day goes by where i dont regret not taking school seriously and going to a four year institution. i wish i could go back, knowing what i know now. there are so many things i would re-do. like homework. i went through high school thinking it only got easier. i never listened to anyone. i always had to learn my lessons the hard way. and now im paying the consequences. now i know it only gets harder. i wish i could've enjoyed those four years. alot more than i did. of course i will never come out and tell anyone that.

i did make the most amazing friends during those four years though. all those late nights over each others houses. those nights i will never forget. the night before they left for college we all got together. we reminissed. we played with glow sticks. we hugged and kissed and cryed. we promised each other we would stay cloose no matter what happened. the next day i sat on the sofa all day in my pajamas and cried. i went through an entire box of tissues and tried my hardest to hide it from everyone. almost 4 months later we are still cloose. we pick up where we left off every single time. its the time between leaving off and picking up that kills me! i can feel us slowly drifting... and i wont admit it to a soul. i fill that emptyness with meaningless relationships with random people who i cant seem to find it within myself to form a real bond with. im holding onto the past with everyounce of strength of i have. im scared shitless of losing those people ive shared so much with. im so scared of losing them i smother them with phone calls and text messages. groping for anything and everything i once had.

i wish everynight was one those "strawberry wine" kinda nights. the ones where its warm enough to lay out ontop of the picnic table and just think. where you go back to those football games and friends parties. that remarkable kiss and the first swig of cheap beer. those moments where you dream you could just freeze time and stay there for just a little while longer. the only thing that reminds you of the present is the warm breeze and the sounds of the dog barking next door. and you open your eyes and the sparkling stars and the smell of rain from earlier that evening remind you of what love about living in the country.