lighting the cigarette

so, i have the highest suceptibility(sp?) to addiction than anyone i know. tattoos, cigarettes, gum, men. i dont understand it. why i like all these things that arent necessarily good. and why the worst things are so easily habit forming.

tattoos give that high, adrenalined feeling. you surrender yourself to the process of the pain and allow it to overcome your thinking. as you sit in the chair with someone putting their name, theoretically of course, on your body you give up all control. you allow yourself to wonder. and when you come back to the present halfway through the feeling that you're altering your body for the rest of your life hits you. you jumped into the deep end of something you cant return and undo. you give up a small portion of yourself and its replaced by a small portion of the artist.

when you light that cigarette and inhale for the first time, you can actually feel everything melting away. uhm, actually...just try yoga. or breathe in really deeply, hold it, and exhale. its exactly the same. its something you try just to try... and ta'da...ur hooked. NICOTINE BABY!

gum just replaces the cigarette. you gotta have SOMETHING in your mouth.

men are grab bags at Al's All You Can Eat. you never know what your going to get. and it all depends on what you're in the mood for. alot of times you end up settling for something you dont really want b/c the outside looks so tempting. but sometimes hotdogs are better than sirloin wrapped in bacon. especially if its cooked right.

ive been awake for days

little did i know 8 months ago how much of a toll life would take on me and my friends. i thought it would only get easier in the confines of the campus, home, and work. those people who always preached about the real world weren't idiots afterall. but they did little to prepare us for it. they gave us strict curfews and sheltered us from the things that we should know and experience. we were thrown, blind-folded, off a cliff into frigid water. some of us are experienced swimmers and others are lucky if they dont sink like bricks. i find however; most of us are just treading water praying... waiting... hoping someone will rescue us.
i hate the fact that my best friend cant talk to me about whats bothering her. i may not fully understand but i love her. she found her life raft in a counselor. its a relief she has something to hold onto when the water gets really rough. but i want to help her. i want to be there for her like shes been there for me. im tired of hearing everything is ok. when it couldnt be further from it.
we are all struggling. trying to stay out of the under-toe that could take us under.

What Else would you Have Me Be?

so, i feel like im alone in a crowded room. i dont know these people around me. anymore than they know me. we do things normal strangers wouldnt do. ok, i thought i could write now, but i cant.

Am i Fully Alive

So, this is the first "resolution" ive ever kept. i have another one. to expand my musical horizons. ive discovered all these amazing new artists this year. they might not be new, but they're amazing and new to me. Ben Folds, James Morrison, Flyleaf, Citizen Cope... just to name a few. also, i have a band everyone should atleast try and listen to on myspace. they are called Lucero. and they make me melt.

I also see myself coming out of my cage a little. im expressing my very own opinions that arent shaped by my parents or my friends. im finally standing on my two feet. im not being held up by anything. and the feeling is amazing.

i like the pain of getting tattooed. its the most real and raw form of expression. the people you share that afternoon/evening/night with are connected to you forever. the adrenaline and anticiaption build into the most unbelievable high. that one that you try your whole life to achieve a second time but you're never able to. when you get up from that chair and you look in the mirror and tears fill your eyes. and then you sink into the car and you go home and you take the best nap youve ever taken in your whole life.

its uphill both ways in the rain...barefoot

everyone is preparing to go back to school. packing and getting that last full night sleep before they begin again. this is when i wish i had something to prepare for. i have never felt so lonely in my life. its amazing when everyone comes home and we spend countless hours with eachother. i never knew i could love a group of people so much. the 4 people i cant imagine my life without. even 10 years from now. after two of them become one. and the rest of us combined as close siblings through that very union.
(not that they read this but here are some things i would say to them if i could)

Rose- you are beautiful. i love and respect you more than you could ever know. i cherish every day we've spent hanging out and night we've stayed up talking about boys. i cant wait to help you plan your wedding and reception. and lord knows your baccalurette party. the past 7 years have been awesome. and i know we will be friends for many years.

Meghan- your understanding and acceptance have always astounded. then i realized you and i are very alike. we have our moments where we dont think clearly and we can both help each other through those moments. im sorry i smother you with texts. sometimes i just validation that my screw ups arent so bad where i cant reverse them if i really have to. *puff gulp ugghh*. at least one of us is living that life we planned out.

Stephen- im really looking forward to you being that symbolic brother-in-law. you and rose complete each other. i feel better knowing shes happy and she has someone to make happy. remember through thick and thin. i anticiapte many new years partys and christmas eve gift exchanges. and ill bring the wings for the superbowl. also...im here if you two ever need a baby sitter. just call aunt jenny.

Jake- you and i arent that entirely close, but the group would not be complete without you. you liven it up and make everyone laugh. so you and stephen are brothers, me and rose are sisters... would that make us brother and sister? humm... worth pondering maybe?

It me... again

ok, so i watched One Tree Hill last night. the season premiere. it was amazing!! i related to it so much it was creepy. when you can watch something and say "theres me, theres meghan...". it makes you think.

i talked to boy last night. i was already emotional from Tree Hill. and he said we couldnt hangout or talk on the internet for a while. because hes re arranging his priorities. i cried for two hours. not because of what he said. but the fact that he could say it without even considering how it would make me feel. and more so is that it was so easy for him. it made me wonder how it easy it would be for one of the girls. could they say that? would they say that?

so, this morning i woke up with the "god, who pissed in my eyes" feeling? the only thing that struck me today was this evening on the way home. i was waiting for my dad outside of foodlion. i saw this older gentleman walk out with a long beard that was gray and whispy. he was maybe in his mid 50's. i began to wonder "i wonder what this guy knows." he had the experienced saunter. the one where hes lived and done more than one could even imagine. that how i want to look when im his age. i want to go to a weekend music fest. i want to jump off a bridge. just live

Catharsis

ok, so i figured it was best to get it all out at once. and then ill have nothing left to talk about. and then ill just blog when something gigantic is bugging me. i died my hair again. its blue black blonde. how i lived with myself before is beyond me. normalcy is sooo over rated!

remember the whole picking up and leaving off thing i was talking about earlier. well, its almost time for that again. i guess ill go back to the people ive met at work and pretend that we're friends. they're a nice distraction from what im missing. i never thought in my wildest dreams i would be so lonely.

i realized the other night there is difference between a memory and a flashback. kind of like the difference between a dream and a nightmare. you have dreams about all those amazing memories you've made in your life. you have flashbacks that leave you shaken and sweating like a nightmare. ive had quite a few of the latter in few previous months. the same circumstance and face that i cant seem to shake. the worst part of it... it happens when you're with someone new. a guy who doesnt know what happened and you havent gotten the guts to tell him. sometimes i find myself listening to "long december" over and over while tears run down my cheeks. its not fair that i have to live with this. its not fair that i cant move on and forget about it.

"i dont want the world to see me... cause i dont think that they'd understand.
when everythings made to be broken i just want you to know why"

mixed languages

i got the the most adorable litte puppy a couple weeks ago as a christmas present. his name is kodi and hes a husky. the most beautiful black and white fur and piercing blue eyes. the best personality but the attention span of a gold fish. hes my boy. right now im teaching him simple commands. but im beginning to realize its not "sit" and "stay" that he understands but the body language and tone of voice. i figured while im at it id teach him english. nothing complex, just the simple stuff.

it would be so much easier if everyone spoke the same language. and i dont necessarily mean english. if when people acted a certain way there was a standard for what it meant. it wouldnt be up for interpretation and long nights of over analyzing. which would in turn insure confidence in other people, the situtation and most importantly yourself. no more second guessing. and that intuition thing some of us are just born without would no longer be necessary because there would be a dictionary to consult if u werent entirely sure. and there it would be. black and white. no margins or reading between the lines. i never was all that good in english anyways.

The First of The Year

Ok. so this is my New Years Resolution. A little late, but its better than never. Im going to try to put how im feeling into words... but i cant make any guarantees. which is one of my major problems... but thats a different paragraph at least.

ok, tha first thing that comes to mind is riding in the car with my dad the other night. he asked me if i ever regret not going to college like all my friends. "uhm, sometimes. not very often though." Im a liar. not a day goes by where i dont regret not taking school seriously and going to a four year institution. i wish i could go back, knowing what i know now. there are so many things i would re-do. like homework. i went through high school thinking it only got easier. i never listened to anyone. i always had to learn my lessons the hard way. and now im paying the consequences. now i know it only gets harder. i wish i could've enjoyed those four years. alot more than i did. of course i will never come out and tell anyone that.

i did make the most amazing friends during those four years though. all those late nights over each others houses. those nights i will never forget. the night before they left for college we all got together. we reminissed. we played with glow sticks. we hugged and kissed and cryed. we promised each other we would stay cloose no matter what happened. the next day i sat on the sofa all day in my pajamas and cried. i went through an entire box of tissues and tried my hardest to hide it from everyone. almost 4 months later we are still cloose. we pick up where we left off every single time. its the time between leaving off and picking up that kills me! i can feel us slowly drifting... and i wont admit it to a soul. i fill that emptyness with meaningless relationships with random people who i cant seem to find it within myself to form a real bond with. im holding onto the past with everyounce of strength of i have. im scared shitless of losing those people ive shared so much with. im so scared of losing them i smother them with phone calls and text messages. groping for anything and everything i once had.

i wish everynight was one those "strawberry wine" kinda nights. the ones where its warm enough to lay out ontop of the picnic table and just think. where you go back to those football games and friends parties. that remarkable kiss and the first swig of cheap beer. those moments where you dream you could just freeze time and stay there for just a little while longer. the only thing that reminds you of the present is the warm breeze and the sounds of the dog barking next door. and you open your eyes and the sparkling stars and the smell of rain from earlier that evening remind you of what love about living in the country.