The First of The Year

Ok. so this is my New Years Resolution. A little late, but its better than never. Im going to try to put how im feeling into words... but i cant make any guarantees. which is one of my major problems... but thats a different paragraph at least.

ok, tha first thing that comes to mind is riding in the car with my dad the other night. he asked me if i ever regret not going to college like all my friends. "uhm, sometimes. not very often though." Im a liar. not a day goes by where i dont regret not taking school seriously and going to a four year institution. i wish i could go back, knowing what i know now. there are so many things i would re-do. like homework. i went through high school thinking it only got easier. i never listened to anyone. i always had to learn my lessons the hard way. and now im paying the consequences. now i know it only gets harder. i wish i could've enjoyed those four years. alot more than i did. of course i will never come out and tell anyone that.

i did make the most amazing friends during those four years though. all those late nights over each others houses. those nights i will never forget. the night before they left for college we all got together. we reminissed. we played with glow sticks. we hugged and kissed and cryed. we promised each other we would stay cloose no matter what happened. the next day i sat on the sofa all day in my pajamas and cried. i went through an entire box of tissues and tried my hardest to hide it from everyone. almost 4 months later we are still cloose. we pick up where we left off every single time. its the time between leaving off and picking up that kills me! i can feel us slowly drifting... and i wont admit it to a soul. i fill that emptyness with meaningless relationships with random people who i cant seem to find it within myself to form a real bond with. im holding onto the past with everyounce of strength of i have. im scared shitless of losing those people ive shared so much with. im so scared of losing them i smother them with phone calls and text messages. groping for anything and everything i once had.

i wish everynight was one those "strawberry wine" kinda nights. the ones where its warm enough to lay out ontop of the picnic table and just think. where you go back to those football games and friends parties. that remarkable kiss and the first swig of cheap beer. those moments where you dream you could just freeze time and stay there for just a little while longer. the only thing that reminds you of the present is the warm breeze and the sounds of the dog barking next door. and you open your eyes and the sparkling stars and the smell of rain from earlier that evening remind you of what love about living in the country.